"Gimme That Old Time Religion..It's good enough for me!!"

            While religion is a wonderful thing, it can also be quite
            humorous!  This is a work-in-progress page, but I hope
            you enjoy what is completed so far.
             

 
           Thanks to my sister, Debo for the "Morning Prayer"
              A MORNING PRAYER
            Dear God, So far today, I've done alright
            I haven't gossiped,  I haven't lost my temper,
            I haven't been greedy, I haven't been nasty,
            I haven't been grumpy,  I haven't been selfish
            or overindulgent,  and I am very thankful for that.
            But, in a few minutes, God, I am going to get out of bed
            and from then on, I'm gonna need a lot more help.
                  Amen.
          That having been said.....Let's start with The Catholics!
            A farmer named Muldoon lived alone
            in the Irish Countryside with a
            pet dog he doted on.
            The dog finally died and Muldoon
            went to the parish priest and asked,
            "Father, the dog is dead.
            Could you be saying a mass for him?"

            Father Patrick replied,
            "No, we cannot have services for an
            animal in the church, but there's a
            Baptist Church down the road and maybe
            for a donation they'll do something for
            the animal.

             Muldoon said "I'll go right now.
             Do you think $50,000 is
             enough to donate for the service?"

             Father Patrick grabbed the dog and replied,
            "Why didn't you tell me  the dog was Catholic?"

                   
            And for our Jewish Friends...
               
            A Jewish young man went to talk to the Rabbi about
            an eating and sleeping disorder.
            "I am so obsessed with my mother...
            As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming,
            and everyone in my dream turns into my mother
            complaining about me not eating enough.
            I wake up in such a state,
            all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
            The Rabbi replies: "What !?! just one piece of toast?
            For a big boy like you?"
            My mother once gave me two sweaters
            The next  time we went to  worship
            I made sure to wear one, as we were
            meeting  Mother there .
            As we entered the Synagogue
            instead of the expected smile, she said,
            "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
         
            And for Old Testament Scholars...
          Sometimes women are overly suspicious  of their husbands. When
          Adam  stayed  out very late for a  few nights, Eve became upset.
          Eve said,
            "You're running around with other women,".
            "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
             "You're the only woman on earth."
          The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,  only to be awakened by
          someone  poking him in the chest.  It was Eve.
            "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
            "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
                 
               
           
            CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
               
            Don't let worry kill you.  Let the Church help.

            The pastor will preach his farewell message,
            after which the choir will sing,
            "Break Forth into Joy."

            A songfest was hell at the Methodist
            church Wednesday.

            Due to the preacher's illness, Wednesday's
            healing service will be discontinued until
            further notice.

            The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles,
            and other items to be recycled.
            Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

            Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
            at 10. All ladies are invited to
            lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

            Evening Massage - 6 PM

            The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the
            congregation would lend him their electric girdles
            for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

            The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
            Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

            Ushers will eat latecomers.

            The third verse of Blessed Assurance will
            be sung without musical accomplishment.

            For those of you who have children
            and don't know it, we have a nursery
            downstairs.

            The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly,
            much to the delight of the audience.

            Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

            Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
            church and community.

            The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
            Hamlet in the church basement Friday @ 7 pm.
            The congregation is invited to attend this teagedy.

            The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.
            Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter
            who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as
            usual fell upon her.

            Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting
            held at the home of Mrs. Hatfield and Mrs. Lewis last
            evening.  Mrs. Hatfield and Mrs Lewis sang a duet,
            " The Lord Knows Why. "

            Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication
            to follow.

            The rosebud on the altar this morning is to
            announce the birth of David Alan
            Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

            Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet.
            Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed"
            accompanied by the pastor.

            The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."
            One of the ladies will start and the rest of the
            congregation will join in.

            Next Sunday, a special collection will be
            taken to defray the cost of the new
            carpet. All those wishing to do something
            on the new carpet will come forward
            and get a piece of paper.

            The ladies of the church have cast off clothing
            of every kind and they may be seen in the
            church basement Friday.

            A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening
            in the church hall. Music will follow.

            At the evening service tonight, the sermon
            topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
            early and listen to our choir practice.

            Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the
            First Presbyterian Church. Please use
            large double door at the side entrance.

            The 1996 Spring Council Retreat will be hell
             May 10 and 11.

            Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given
            to church secretary.

            8 new choir robes are currently needed,
            due to the addition of several new
            members and to the deterioration of
            some older ones.

            Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital
            this week for testes.

            The Senior Choir invites any member of
            the congregation who enjoys sinning to
            join the choir.

            Please join us as we show our support for
            Amy and Alan who are preparing for
            the girth of their first child.

            The Lutheran Men's group will meet at
            6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
            beans, bread and dessert will be
            served for a nominal feel.

            The Associate Minister unveiled the church's
            new tithing campaign slogan last
            Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge-------Up Yours"

             

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